Carolyn Hax: Spouse fed up with husband’s healthy choices


Dear Carolyn: I know I can’t control my husband, but how can I hold the bag?

He has very poor health habits: he eats badly, doesn’t see a doctor, does little exercise. His habits have gotten worse over time, but not yet in a noticeable or acute way.

It used to drive me crazy that he would regularly eat an entire fast food party, but I worked hard to make it not my thing.

But what does this mean for our future? He seems to be living his life as he pleases now, but instead of going on the adventures we’ve planned, I’ll be stuck taking care of someone in my retirement. I can be adventurous and leave home when I go on adventures, but that doesn’t seem fair.

And I know anything can happen, but given current habits, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be exercising in our retirement years, and I won’t.

I know I can’t change him, but he looks like he’s going to write my future one way and steal a lot of happiness from both of us.

I can be stupid: Be stupid. Absolutely.

But stop calling it that and seeing it that way. It would have succeeded if it had ever been practicable to intervene to help him in his own care. You’ve done a serious, admirable thing by leaving his eating habits as your business.

So don’t hold back now by making it his case that your adventures aren’t there. He’s the only one who doesn’t move, but don’t make it his fault that you’re both at home.

go over. to wander Enjoy. And if he can go with you, then great. If he can’t, it’s not very good. But he’s home to himself, not you—and just as it’s a gift to let go of your blame for limiting yourself, it’s a gift for you to let go of your responsibility for fast food.

When you board your flight, you will definitely feel somewhat rotten. This is not magic, and “gift” seems like an odd choice of words. But while the idea of ​​a partnership is clear for both of you to care for yourself and each other freely according to a mutually agreeable plan, that’s not always the case.

And that’s when the two individuals in the couple either reject their differences day by day, resist them while suffering from baseless expectations, or embrace them. It means that your long-term goals and short-term plans sometimes send you in different directions.

Or keep you home – but just because you Choose Him, not because you have no other choice.

The key to this is to choose clearly and plan and save like anything else. So you and he need to talk about it openly, boldly lot of Opportunities in front of you.

If you, for example, plan to go on a solo adventure when his health is a factor, then say so – encourage him to do the same if you’re less mobile. (Something can happen.) This can also apply to all the marriage “windows” that seem incompatible with your marriage. Your choice to stay married, every day, is the catch; You decide what goes in.

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